damn my thoughts

So here I am needing to know too much and what happens? I hate myself for it. All I have to say is bitch is done so she better walk away from what she gave up or I am not sure how I am going to react. I find myself irritated at the past... LOL like am I kidding myself? Everyone has a past. I have one. So why does it bother me so.

I am so lame.

Being in love really sucks.

No clue

I have began like 3 or 4 blogs but I get distracted with work, the kid, the bf or something and I just end up closing the window. lol l so something quick.

I am still with Steve. Two months and while there are issues we seem to get past them. I love him and was finally able to tell him in a way that meant something to me. He is more free with it and it makes me the happiest person ever. I miss his face. I miss his kisses. I miss the feeling of no cares in the world when I am in his arms.

Making plans

Its funny how normal it is to say, we need this in OUR whatever..... It doesn't matter what it is its just 'normal'

On the flip side it was weird to talk about watching tv like a normal couple to someone today. 'Oh well we saw this on tv this weekend.' Wait we watched tv together? Wow that's kind of weird. We never have time to just 'watch tv' LOL

My heart is gone...

My outlet

I use this as an outlet because all my closest friends are in a different state now. I mean other than a few but with schedules and distance its hard to get alone time to talk to them. I like to clear my head. Some times when I type in here its just to get the gunk out of my head. I doubt myself, I pick apart my everything so when I come into my blog I begin to feel better about myself. Doesn't get rid of all that gunk BUT it does make me see things a bit differently.

So dating an amazing guy, my kid is excelling in gymnastics, my job is going well and I think my car has stopped throwing a fit for at least this week I have so much to be thankful for. Getting a second part time job seems to be like an only option today I can't continue to live paycheck to paycheck and not move out. So my goal for August is to find a part time job and put that WHOLE paycheck in savings so I can move out soon. I know Steve has a similar savings idea but I think he just needs to worry about his things for a minute before he puts me first. I am not used to a guy who wants to put me first. I spent a LARGE part of my last relationship wondering if I would even be first on his list....

On Monday he surprised me by driving up to see me, at least half way, and so I took him to the water front and we watched the sunset. I felt like there was nothing in the world that was in our way. He looks at me and its like the world doesn't exist. I can't wait to start and end my day looking at him.

Pinch me, I MUST be dreaming

Last night I was FINALLY able to take him to the water front and show him more than just the mountains by his house. Needless to say he was excited and happy and finally saw why I was so intent on getting him out. Him being there, holding my hand, playing with Jordan I just feel like I continuously need to pinch myself to make sure this isn't all a dream.

Waking up and feeling like there is only good in his eyes keeps me going. The day I will wake up and only see his face will be the day that I will truly be the happiest I have ever been in my life. If he gets his way we will be a full family shortly after we take that step LOL oh wow the fact that, that sentence doesn't scare me is a whole different thing.

Bumpy Rides

I have never been with someone this honest. Who sat and listened to me throw an angry fit and then cry on the phone and was totally unaffected by it. Not in a wow he must be unemotional but in a he is really hearing me kind of way.

We began talking 4 weeks ago. It was supposed to just be a boost to myself. This guy is nice. He says pretty things. Lets keep him around. I had just stopped talking to the first guy I dated after he who shall never be named again. (Though the new guy did come running back to find me gone, not my problem) We have been texting since that date? June 24th. Every day is a new surprise. Every word is a hug around me.

On Friday Jordan and I drove down and he took her fishing. The pics I got from this event have become the most beautiful things in my life. The way he just talks to her. He looks at her in a way that NO ONE other than me has looked at her. Beautiful.

Then on Saturday I had come to the conclusion that if I didn't find a way to see him I wouldn't see him all weekend. His family farm was getting their hay bailed so he was needed at home. So I decided since I was headed down south for a football game that I would leave early and surprise him. I wasn't so sure when his lunch was but I was certain by the time I left home that I was missing it. So he then began talking about his lunch and how he had not gone on it yet when I was getting into town. So I asked when and it was 30 minutes away. I was so excited! No Way! So we stopped at a store bought him some cookies and then sat outside his work for all of two minutes before he appeared. The look on his face was PRICELESS. I wish I would have gotten a pic. He was SOO shocked. It was a good 30 minutes just hanging out. I am so glad I got that. He left beaming. It was a great feeling.

Here is my song to him today....

My heart

I waited for you for so long and there you are. In my text. Giving me attention and making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the ENTIRE world. Then we see each other and all my problems vanish. Then I see you with my daughter and its like there is no one else in this world but us three. You have made every second of this relationship count. It feels like we have been together for an eternity.

I don't know what I did to deserve this but I will be thanking you for the rest of my life.

Not going TOO fast

Ok so there was a moment there where he just KNEW how I felt about him... I thought I was being slick and ummm nope he can read me better than any person I have ever met. So we were talking, and what about it totally irrelevant, and he says 'OMG YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME AREN'T YOU?!?!'  lol ummm well.... and with that he knew my secret.

The next verbal step here is saying things out loud. TO HIM. Ok so I tell OTHERS he is my bf, I just haven't worked up the courage to tell him. Why? I honestly don't know why the words won't come out. I know who this guy is. I KNOW HIM. Like he knows me, I guess at least kind of. Its so random that I can't say it. I mean we did meet a short time ago but I know this is going to sound so freaking stupid but within 5 minutes of meeting him I wanted to never leave his side. He drew me in and held me close and I haven't looked back.

We talk about our future like its all we need. We talk about our kids, my kid included, and our home and our lives like they are already happening. I spend my whole day looking at my phone waiting to see what beautiful thing he says next to me.

Yesterday tested everything. I kind of went all bratty and I couldn't stop it. At the end of the day he was still calling me and telling me he missed me and wasn't going anywhere. I think I met the man of my dreams and all I had to do was screw up a million times to get here.

Wow you have me now don't ya?

So needless to say I have gotten myself all happy and taken. He is an AMAZING guy who sadly lives pretty far away from me but I enjoy being in the country with him. The horses, the air, the random kids singing outside of the grocery store (yeah that shit happened) The best part? My kid LOVES it there. She loves the country life... Like seriously. its like I had no hand in raising her. She wants to go horse back riding. All that junk. While I am all like why doesn't my cell work out here?!?! LMAO.

Him and her have SO much in common with the video games and comic books. They sit and yak away about them. Its adorable but bores me to tears. We all went to see the new Superman movie and they both talked about it like crazy.... Like seriously I don't think I have ever met my own kid!

I am one happy girl, all smitten and totally happy. Now I just need to get into this apartment I want and maybe a tiny bit closer to him and life will be amazing.

Putty in your hands

You say things to me that make this girl go crazy. Sometimes I have to double check its your name on the text. Talking about how I have made your life better. Talking about how much you look forward to being with me. The words you say to me have me in a puddle on the floor. My heart beats fast and then randomly skips when you touch me. You look at me and I can feel you taking away all that pain I experienced before you.

You go out of your way to make me feel beautiful. No one in this world has ever made me feel this good. When you email me and ask how you go so lucky, even after you have seen my crazy side, tells me I am the luckiest girl on the planet. I wish I could explain to others these feelings but I feel as if I will never be able to do so.

Like I said, the distance drives me crazy but I anticipate my drive to you and it seems like its a minute and then going home seems quick too because I am certain there are no words.

This is an example of how amazing you are, saying things like this to me:

'You know whats cool, saying ours or we is so much better than saying me or I. Also the feeling of being with someone who is great as you and when together the whole world disappears. Now that is a rare thing to find!!'

You are my rock.

Your mom? Really

When you are talking and he says, 'So my mom asked about you....' yeah I literally wanted to jump out of my own skin. Then he proceeds to tell you about YOU. I told my mom this, and this....Then all I wanted to do was thank him for listening. Our situation is so different and unique that even though our time apart is the worst our time together is special and wonderful. I don't have many words for what I am feeling.

The way he looks at me, calls me babe when he thinks I am being cute and grins at me when he feels as if I am being shy those things I cherish. The way he pulls me closer to rub my shoulder when he thinks I am moving weird. The fact that my 'WIFE' LOVES HIM. The fact that Jordan comes first for us both. (The fact that his mom has offered to watch Jordan so we can go out on a date) The way his hand feels with mine.

That isn't everything but that's enough to make this girl look forward to seeing him again.

Going still in a great direction

This has been my ANTHEM since last Thursday. I listen to this song up to 8 times a day. This one particular Lyric 'And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies the beautiful kind, Making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel right.' And 'Your eyes looked like coming home'

This girl is ready....

Bring it LIFE! We have this under control! <3

A new Chapter, totally exciting

Hi there. I am here to inform myself that in the last part of my life I let my weight get out of control. For some reason all the guys I am interested in are completely fit. Like... Umm.... ok...

So I have made a promise to myself that I will try to loose at least 5 pounds a month. Try being the operative word there. Yeah I know its possible. Whats not making it easy is time. I am up at 6 am, out of the house by 7. I am home anytime from 5:45pm to like 7 depending on the nights activities, and when I am feeling WAY adventurous I don't get home until after 9. Yeah. So the goal is to monitor what I eat better.

I have some walking buddies and so I just need to begin doing some kind of weight training before bed or activities like crunches or push ups, yeah who am I kidding. LOL I want to be a healthier me for future me. So here it goes.

Always making a change

So I have this new job. I am making more money, working more hours and keeping super busy. Jordan is joining gymnastics and we are making new friends. Yesterday we went to Olympia for some crazy 'hipster' 'stoner' festival. lol Yeah I felt so out of place! HAHA I was there with a friend from HS and her Army husband. We took Jordan and walked around downtown. It was a good day. Afterwards we drove the long distance home and picked up dinner before going to my friends house and having a night out. It was night to talk to a adult who 'gets it.'

Honestly sometimes its nice just to say something and have someone say, 'Yeah I agree.' I felt better.

Working my ass off

So here is the thing. 6 years ago I stopped working a full time job to become a full time mommy and 'house wife' for NO PAY, no appreciation and a jerk. Leaving Phoenix meant getting a job, step one. I handled that but at first poorly. I am now on job three.

Job three has been amazing, yes I know two weeks in, but I have gone up two dollars an hour since I started. in fact day 7 was when I got the bump. Shows promise, no? LOL ok so step two was getting a car. I did that. I was shocked at how hard it was to hit the ground but once I did I was able to do it with little help. My payments are low and my insurance is as well. Plus in April of next year I will completely own this car. Not to say this car doesn't have issues, because it has a few, but I have a great 'car fixer' and we have been diligent at fixing each issue one at a time.

Step three getting insurance. I am in process now. I am hoping to get approved for both of us though I would be ok if my kid was approved it would be nice to finally get into a doctor myself to address my bp issues and stuff.

Step four is saving money for a place to live. I need SOME furniture but I have to insist of a new couch and bed. So thats where I am today :) My  short term goals.

Observations...LOL

So your ex wife quit working when you met her? Right? Shortly after WE met you began to question why I worked. You constantly threw out comments about how when I worked long hours I couldn't clean and cook and take care of the kids. After many failed attempts of trying to stay employed I quit working at your insistence. Though you 'acted' as if I should get a job you never really tried to give me chances to do so. You made sure I couldn't get to a job by car or bus. You made sure I had NO access to money, you made sure to really held me down. But you made sure you didn't 'let me know' that its what you were doing. So when someone else helped me, you finally decided to 'rid your life of me'

Funny thing, your 'roommate' is currently unemployed. HAHAHA I think I found your pattern.


Turns out the problem isn't the women, its YOU! HAHAHAHHA

I always knew

You know the faint voice in the back of your head that you ignore? Well I have decided its important and I am taking its advise now. Starting with acknowledging that you are a waist of my time. I mean I get a laugh hearing about how you spend 'days' drinking with your 'friends' during the week and how I have picture proof you spend your nights the same way. Guess its hard to deal with the mess you have created and to avoid having to deal with it you are drinking your life away. Sounds like a crappy way to deal with life but I am not you. Now, like before, I drink when its social and when the mood strikes. I don't need booze to deal with my life or issues surrounding it.

Now this Young Champions bull. I am currently checking my possibilities. I am not going to sit down and let this person sling mud at me and put my character in question. I DO NOT STEAL! You won't get away with saying so either. If I have to come after the company to get satisfaction I will. This will not stand.

I did get a new job. The step to fixing my life was if I got a job quickly I would begin tithing regularly. I didn't 'promise' an amount but I did promise if I did get a job quickly that I would promise to tithe. I have always needed to but now I feel as if God was on my side with this so I am going to keep my promise and begin to tithe regularly.

That is all for today. I am tired. I got my first pair of shoes in 5 years today and it makes me feel better.

You came back

Last night I had a dream. It started out beautiful. It stated out 11 years ago, remember? You? Me? This place? It was us against the world. But this story has a different middle. You know how I left? We fought like crazy because you wouldn't talk to me, trust in me, tell me anything? The only difference was we found our way we stopped fighting and we were married and had kids.

We both moved back to Tacoma and spent our lives with your family and our kids and we were happy. My dream was amazing. It was so happy. To be honest it was the best dream and the best nights sleep I think I have had since well to be honest since 11 years ago when you and I were together.

The reality of it is that the end of my dream you still died. Logic in my head is still always there. When I heard that you passed the reality of it was that even if we had lasted you would have still died. You would still be gone. So while it was amazing to have you in my safe place it was sad to loose you again in my dreams. I have to apologize to you because I stole your pics. :) I went to your fb and took them. I miss you and wanted to share your pics here.

This second picture I remember more than anything. I remember when you sent a copy to me from Germany. You were so excited. Of course you sent it to explain to me why you were so waisted when we were talking before but still looking at this picture always takes me back. 

I miss you. I am going to go and see you soon if I can. You know that I don't drink beer but I know I will do a shot as much as the next guy. I will miss you on my birthday like I have for years. I will never forget that call. The one you made at 12:01 am on my 21st birthday. You made me feel special. I was drunk and I can STILL remember the gesture. How I felt when I answered and heard your voice. How hearing you say 'I love you' made me feel. Those things will never be erased. I can just hope that there is another guy out there who can make me feel the way you did. <3

Realization

When I moved here I met someone I really liked. Honestly almost immediately. He was everything I have never had before. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, well he still does but not as often. We have hung out but in getting to know this person I found out he is nearly EXACTLY like my last bf except he didn't live his teens as a f*up. In fact he still isn't a f*up.

The steps that we took to get to where we are made me realize that I am ready to date someone who is ready too. So while I manage loosing a guy I never really thought I would end up with I am going to post this song. It kind of reminds me of him. I told him everything. Now I have to stop myself from calling him or sending him a 'quick' text many times in a day.

One step closer

I have taken great steps to being independent. I have had help. I have never gotten so much help and been so appreciative of it. SO now I can work harder to be completely on my own.

Each day I am away from you I am one step closer to my future!

I LOVE MY LIFE...

Just when I think its ok

I get hit by a bus. My heart is yours and I miss you. Your face is stuck there like a branding. I can only hope that when I do finally move on that I have your blessing. That the 'signs' I see are you showing me my path. I was watching this movie last night called "Jeff Who Lives At Home" and for a while I thought wow this movie is WEIRD until the last about five minutes. The end of the movie was like a sign after sign. I ended up crying at the end because I like to believe that live is a series of signs telling us what step to make next. Sometimes we don't interpret the signs correctly and make mistakes. Thats ok though. We are put here to make mistakes and screw up. What the beauty is that if we end up learning from these things we will come out tomorrow better.

Here I am today waiting to see why I made these mistakes. See what reality has in store for me. I am ready for my future. I hope it comes to me loud and clear.

Over 6 months

I walked away from you over six months ago. You held me down. You refused to support me and held me down. You would complain about me not working and then complain that I would want a job. You could never decide what you wanted and that still applies. I feel sorry for you.

I am a new person. I have made great friends up here. I work for an amazing company with people who have become my friends and family. I am active in a church that I feel at home in. I am loosing weight and feeling great about who I am.

I am now in talks with a friend who works at a local dealership to get me some wheels. I am joining a team to do a marathon in Seattle with friends from work. I found a running partner. I am actually thinking about getting a second job just so I can buy all new things for our new place when we move out.

My daughter finally speaks to men that she has known for a while again. Yeah you made her HATE men. Thanks for that. Thanks for showing her how disgusting and nasty some boys can be. She learned that at 8. Congrats you are the scum of the earth.

Thats partially true. She does LOVE my co-worker. She hangs on his every word. She sits with him when she is at work with me. This has been since the second she met him. I don't know why but she trusts him. (I know why but thats my business)

I am getting to spend Valentines Day with my family here. The people who picked me up when you threw me down. The people who smile when I accomplish things. The people who hug me when I am feeling lonely. Those same people who remind me how much of a waist of time you are. I get to WORK tomorrow :) I get to smile and be surrounded by amazing and personable people then go home and hug my kid. I get to give gifts I picked out and receive ones that were chosen carefully for me.

My life without you is a million times better than it was with you. Just remember even though I walked away, I could have stayed. I could have made your life a living hell. I would have had fun messing with you. It was better to watch your life fall apart from here though. I got great weather, a great job and new amazing friends. What did you get?

I also reconnected with an ex that would have REALLY Pissed you off..... HAHAHA Him and I are closer now than we were when we were together/engaged. So thanks for being a supreme ass. I finally saw the light and there was a great life in my vision and there you were in my rear view falling apart.

Finding me

This song gets played at our church and it usually gets stuck in my head. Friday I heard it when I got into the car after work and it made me smile. So I am sharing it here.

Quick to judge

I can usually catch myself doing this. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person but it does have something to do with how we were shown how to act by our parents and those people who meant things to us in our past.

Even being quick to react is bad. I found myself being bothered by someone this week and its not a new thing. Its been a few months coming and when I heard I may not have to be bothered by this person anymore it seems like every move they make is an irritation. Someone came to me and showed real concern about my feelings so I unloaded and didn't even think about where we were or what was happening but all of what had been happening just fell out of my mouth.....

Looking back it may not have been a good idea to do it where I was doing it but it wasn't a bad idea to let those feelings go.

Ugh, oh well.....

Wanting my happiness

So I have begun speaking with my son's dad. Not for any reason but I need to move on from that situation and give him more. For the first time since we broke up I feel normal speaking to him. Its been 13 years since we really SPOKE. Which sounds odd but its the truth.

I like having that bond back. We were good together and I admit that. He helped me remember who I wanted to be when I was that young. I am not that person. Its sad.

Next step....MY CAR!! AHHHHH :D

The one about Chris...

So I was having a hard day on Monday and I couldn't figure it out.

It was weird so I was talking about Chris' sister and where she lived and I seriously can NEVER figure it out! So I looked it up on Facebook and there it was.....

Ben died.....

Not keeping score, I know but Ben was Chris' younger brother. Him and I had just began talking and I had, had hopes to meet him soon since I work by where him and Summer were living. I am so completely sad over this. I honestly was so torn up over this guy passing and I barely knew him.

My hopes about it. Well since we have no clue what heaven is like I can only hope that Chris and Ben were reunited and are together now.

This world is so lonely without Chris. His smile and bright eyes and his laughter.

He was such a great person. I am sure Ben, from what I knew, was a great person.

What is the worst is their poor mom. I am so sad for her. I loved her and miss our friendship everyday. She cared about me so much and I walked away from them because I wasn't ready to be an adult and here I am today.

Chris, I love you. I hope you are happy to have your brother. I hope you are now able to rest in peace.

Only Saying This Once

Listen I am not in a relationship, today, but I am going to say what has been in my gut for nearly 6 months now. Some of this is new drama, which has developed over time, some of it is from JULY but I have been ignoring it with hopes that it would fade lets face it I am not a 'fester' kind of girl. First off: I left HIS ASS!!

Ok so lets cycle through this. This ass went on a 'work trip' which ended up being code for work for 5 hours and play in Vegas with my buddies for two days and loose a shit ton of money. Did he mention it before he left? No. Did he act like it was no big effing deal when he came back? Right-o.

So he left me with $300 for gas, a costco trip, groceries and a special food night for me and the kids. I should mention we had a nissan xterra which took a shit ton of gas. I hadn't been to costco in a while so that was already pricey and then groceries. Add to the fact that we had a deal that I wouldn't have to be alone with his child because she is mentally unstable and really digs into me when he wasn't around. So many things wrong here. So anyways a few weeks past and nothing is discussed. Then one day he attacks me in a disagreement and I got a bad feeling.

So I went for proof. I checked his sent emails. I had done it from time to time to check on things between him ans his daughters school or teacher so he knew I would. So I found an email from him and I should copy and paste his nasty, disgusting and hateful words on here but its not worth it. Long story short he stated I stole $400 dollars from him, when he gave me three for the house, and that he was to evict me from my house and how I was like his ex wife. Ok while I don't hate her now I am nothing like her.

Two: not paying rent. Letting people move in without my permission. Letting his child cut holes in the expensive screens in the home we were renting. Letting that same home go into ruins. Yeah this guy is a winner.

Three: This is one of the BEST things. He has a restraining order on me...... Laughable! First off in order to have an ORDER of protection you have to go out court and PROVE that I am a threat.....
yeah good luck there. Secondly IF you were given an order of protection I would have needed to be served by a sherrif and the last time I checked one NEVER knocked on my door...... Nice try but you fail.

Fourthly: This is a kicker. That I hit, or abused his kid. This one really pissed me off. It was her go to when she was done with someone. Her mother, she step father, her grandmother and her teachers or classmates.Someone is always beating this kid. I admit I fell victim to it when it came to a few of those but there is no way in this WORLD I would have done that. I am thankful I was looking for my easy out and apparently so was he because this was what apparently pushed him and it pushed me to go running.

Fifth: I am going to copy and paste this email, yeah its a new one....
So he bragged to MY friend about how he was skipping out on rent and how the landlord didn't care and yadda yadda and then mentioned the restraining order BS so I contacted one of those people he was letting with with him who WAS MY FRIEND might I add and well here is our convo.

• Chelsie Burke

  You should tell your 'roomate' that in order to have a restraining order against me I need to be served by a sheriff. Not that he would be granted one with the witnesses I have. Secondly that he should never trust people. Or 'bitch' about me to MY friends.
• Monday
• 

  14:50

  A

  You should keep me out of yours and his drama and tell him yourself. I wouldn't have you relay messages to my ex. Come on now
• 

  15:33

  Chelsie Burke

  I don't talk to him. I am smarter then that. He is blocked from contacting me in any way shape and form. I know better. He is a nut case after he threatened my life in front of my child and my friend he is lucky his ass isn't in jail.
• 

  15:38

  Chelsie Burke

  And the minute you moved into the house with my name in it without talking to me about it you lodged yourself in between Greg and I
• 

  15:48

  A

  You should've taken yourself off like he's been trying to have the landlord do.
• 

  15:52

  Chelsie Burke

  Yeah you don't think I have spent COUNTLESS HOURS on the phone begging them and emailing them too?!?! Getting my ass lectured about my minutes because I continuously call them and wait on hold and call different people begging to clear my name. If he would have caught up they were finally willing to remove me. But they knew he would never catch up. He can blame himself for that.
• 

  15:55

  Chelsie Burke

  The fact that you only know his side of the story tells me you were too willing to believe all his lies anyways. If you cared about me like you said as a friend you would have asked me my side of the story instead of throwing his in my face. I know both sides and have heard his from more than one person. All my friends came to me to clarify the story after he told his.....
  

  
  

  So there is that. She WAS my friend and I did delete her in the process of this drama because I know better. So the next morning this is what I wake up too. Now keep in mind I HAVE NOT contacted him other then to tell him I was shutting the power off THREE DAYS before I had it scheduled to shut off. This was also the day after I moved. I could have had the power shut of immediately but thats beside the point I have a heart. So here is his email to me. 

  
  

  
  

  G <m@gmail.com>	Jan 22 (2 days ago)
  to me

  I hoped i would never have to mention anything to you again, but of course that doesn't happen with someone of your caliber.

  
  

  If you don't get it by now maybe this will help, I am done with you, and all your shit.   Now you can be an adult and leave me and anyone associated with me alone, none of us have time for nor want any of your drama.

  
  

  Thats all, I hope you grow up and move on.

  
  

  HAHAHA sorry but I find this extremely AMUSING! Btw I still talk to half of his friends.....Even a family member. Its just the one chick I blocked in the last few days that I don't :)

  
  

  Ahhhh I am so relaxed now. 

  
  

  I will post tomorrow I think. I have another story to tell. If you have been following about Chris, my ex, this will interest you.