Thats it

Is happiness really THIS easy? Like seriously? I have great friends, literally the best in this whole world you just don't know, I have a great job and I am happy. I wish I had more words to describe it but happy seems to be enough. I am going to add some pics since I rarely add some. These are all pics from 9/25 when we went over to Bremerton with my sister, brother in law and my nephews.

Just Devistated

Guess what? I saw you today. After my agonizing day yesterday of knowing you were gone a full year I went to see you. I saw the flowers that were left and the flag above your name and I was beaming with joy for you. Then I became sad and heartbroken that you are infact gone. We walked around and noticed the ages of all the vetrans all around you and compared to them you were just a boy. So I sat there repeating, 'I Love You' over and over in my head. The site reminded me so much of where my brother is buried, with the beautiful trees and hills but why? Why are you gone completely? I am so sad. My eyes welled for a while over you. Then I made a mistake. I read all of our old emails. At least the ones towards the end. I hope you didn't hate me :( I am broken hearted over what I was saying. I am going to see if I can get into that old email address and see how you responded. I know when I walked away it was to save myself. I know it hurt you. It kills me :( ******UPDATE(or addition) I forgot to say that while I was there questioning if you heard me the noises of another military funeral happening down the way*********

When life is complete

I am really in a downer mood currently so bare with me here. Last year, right now, my now ex was in California with our kids dealing with his grandmother who was really sick and who was days from passing. Then we found out that on this day, September 19th, that his daughter's ex step dad passed away. At the time it really didn't bother us because even though he wasn't apart of our lives I really feel now like I was horrible and never gave this guy a fair chance. I am lucky to kind of get to know his AMAZING family and be apart of it. I can tell his dad anything and I feel like he really hears me and cares about me in a way I have never felt before. I will post more about this situation on Saturday about the last death which impacted me the most. Its been an odd year........

Why Lie?

Seriously? I don't understand your motivation. Here is the deal. I tell the TRUTH. I know YOU DON'T. The difference is when getting approached with the lies you are telling I want to immediately call you and ask you what the hell your problem is! Then I remember I hate you and am back to reality! LOL I just want you to know all of your BS is making its way back to me QUICK! You want to lie and be an ass I know! LOL On to the next, I am already doing WAY better then you would think :) I am not going to say too much but let me tell you I am happy.

One year ago

One year ago today was a scary day. My best friend was literally having to make life and death decisions. I was in town with the idea of throwing a baby shower, which was scrapped 24 hours before because of the Medical scare. Luckily baby was born and mom was out of the woods but it began a long process of keeping him healthy. To this day he is the strongest baby I have been around. Nothing gets in the way of this kid. I am so glad, and sad, that I was able to share in this. Its a memory I will keep with me for life.

Changes make things good

Today I was texting with a friend in Phoenix thanking her for the kind way she treated me on that last weekend I was living there, when I felt so alone and confused and for some reason as I was typing I was immediately brought to tears. Her kindness is something you don't get too often and like I told her she is setting such a great example for not only her kids but my kid. She put out there that even in times of stress and sadness there is happy. I love her. I love how great I feel.

I am making new friends and growing and feeling like a mature adult.

In other news Friday was ONE MONTH to the day that I moved here. All that I see is growth since that day. Saturday was the birthday party for my friends son, which also marked one year to the day that I actually flew up to Seattle to help throw her baby shower. Today, Sunday the 9th, is one year to the day that she was rushed to the hospital in a life and death situation. Which was stressful because we didn't want to stress them out so we went to the store and got some drinks and found other places to put that worry.

That night I went and held her hand and let her know I love her and it was the most stressful night I have had in a while. There was no sleep. I will post more tomorrow. There is a ton of stuff going on that just rubs me the wrong way but today and tomorrow are about love and life. Nothing else.

Well ok I lied, check my adoption blog in a few minutes I read some crap yesterday that sent me into a tail spin.

Hitting a realization

I feel bad for people I loathed before. Yeah and now I feel bad and am giving them ways to look better. I hate being mistreated and I hate worse when I feel like I have mistreated someone unjustly. I rarely hate people blindly and while I usually give everyone a fair chance looking back it may not always be the issue and I am making amends where I feel I need too.

On the other side of that MANY people NEVER gave me a fair chance and looking back I am still baffled by their unjust judgements on me and their extreme mistreatment of my child. With the way I am getting treated now I cannot believe I let people get away with that anger and hatred for so long! I feel loved, happy, welcome and more.

First Day! :-)

Today was my first day and I had fun. I mean rules and regulations and stuff. It was all common sense and stuff BUT I am glad we covered it. It was nice to see how easily it was for me to get back into it. Now lets see how far I can get here :)

Like I said before I will work at this job as long as they take me :)

Lessons Learned

Its been a full month that I have had to reflect on the life that I created and how it get torn away from me like it was no big deal. I am still very angry about how my child got treated and I feel that it was handled extremely wrong but I digress.

So anywho I thought to myself this morning, what exactly did I learn here? Well Never date a guy who insists he HATES his mother. He protested so much it was almost like he tried to convince himself that he hated her. She made his life a living hell for years, and still does, and so I think he was hoping if he said it enough that he would eventually believe it.

Money CAN buy happiness if you are working with an extremely superficial person. It CAN ALSO buy love with that same person. That really makes me sad too. I grew up with nothing and still have nothing and I am happy about it. Its something my kid can see too that we don't need things and stuff to be happy. Going to the beach and playing in the water for free makes her as happy as her gameboy.

If you aren't willing to fight, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Its a two line highway and if you are going in opposite directions you will never get anywhere.

Fighting is ok. Yeah you need to fight, no relationship is perfect and forcing two people to cohabitate is unnatural. What helps is knowing that fighting is whats needed to find a perfect balance. What doesn't help? Walking away and refusing to talk. Or getting in someones face and screaming 'GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!' like a child. LMAO!!! Seriously.

If you want to take a break you might as well call it off, FOR REAL!

Do not bring a baby into a relationship where you THINK you know whats going to happen in the future. If you cannot agree about the future keeps kids out of it.

I am in a good mood today! This makes me feel better.

Breathe

I heard this song the other day and it made me feel better. Its weird because the only thing I miss is the way you looked at me and how when I said I hated you, you knew it meant I loved you too much.

Today is a new day. Each day is a way to show I am moving on. I don't miss you........

I miss US......