Making plans

Its funny how normal it is to say, we need this in OUR whatever..... It doesn't matter what it is its just 'normal'

On the flip side it was weird to talk about watching tv like a normal couple to someone today. 'Oh well we saw this on tv this weekend.' Wait we watched tv together? Wow that's kind of weird. We never have time to just 'watch tv' LOL

My heart is gone...

My outlet

I use this as an outlet because all my closest friends are in a different state now. I mean other than a few but with schedules and distance its hard to get alone time to talk to them. I like to clear my head. Some times when I type in here its just to get the gunk out of my head. I doubt myself, I pick apart my everything so when I come into my blog I begin to feel better about myself. Doesn't get rid of all that gunk BUT it does make me see things a bit differently.

So dating an amazing guy, my kid is excelling in gymnastics, my job is going well and I think my car has stopped throwing a fit for at least this week I have so much to be thankful for. Getting a second part time job seems to be like an only option today I can't continue to live paycheck to paycheck and not move out. So my goal for August is to find a part time job and put that WHOLE paycheck in savings so I can move out soon. I know Steve has a similar savings idea but I think he just needs to worry about his things for a minute before he puts me first. I am not used to a guy who wants to put me first. I spent a LARGE part of my last relationship wondering if I would even be first on his list....

On Monday he surprised me by driving up to see me, at least half way, and so I took him to the water front and we watched the sunset. I felt like there was nothing in the world that was in our way. He looks at me and its like the world doesn't exist. I can't wait to start and end my day looking at him.

Pinch me, I MUST be dreaming

Last night I was FINALLY able to take him to the water front and show him more than just the mountains by his house. Needless to say he was excited and happy and finally saw why I was so intent on getting him out. Him being there, holding my hand, playing with Jordan I just feel like I continuously need to pinch myself to make sure this isn't all a dream.

Waking up and feeling like there is only good in his eyes keeps me going. The day I will wake up and only see his face will be the day that I will truly be the happiest I have ever been in my life. If he gets his way we will be a full family shortly after we take that step LOL oh wow the fact that, that sentence doesn't scare me is a whole different thing.

Bumpy Rides

I have never been with someone this honest. Who sat and listened to me throw an angry fit and then cry on the phone and was totally unaffected by it. Not in a wow he must be unemotional but in a he is really hearing me kind of way.

We began talking 4 weeks ago. It was supposed to just be a boost to myself. This guy is nice. He says pretty things. Lets keep him around. I had just stopped talking to the first guy I dated after he who shall never be named again. (Though the new guy did come running back to find me gone, not my problem) We have been texting since that date? June 24th. Every day is a new surprise. Every word is a hug around me.

On Friday Jordan and I drove down and he took her fishing. The pics I got from this event have become the most beautiful things in my life. The way he just talks to her. He looks at her in a way that NO ONE other than me has looked at her. Beautiful.

Then on Saturday I had come to the conclusion that if I didn't find a way to see him I wouldn't see him all weekend. His family farm was getting their hay bailed so he was needed at home. So I decided since I was headed down south for a football game that I would leave early and surprise him. I wasn't so sure when his lunch was but I was certain by the time I left home that I was missing it. So he then began talking about his lunch and how he had not gone on it yet when I was getting into town. So I asked when and it was 30 minutes away. I was so excited! No Way! So we stopped at a store bought him some cookies and then sat outside his work for all of two minutes before he appeared. The look on his face was PRICELESS. I wish I would have gotten a pic. He was SOO shocked. It was a good 30 minutes just hanging out. I am so glad I got that. He left beaming. It was a great feeling.

Here is my song to him today....

My heart

I waited for you for so long and there you are. In my text. Giving me attention and making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the ENTIRE world. Then we see each other and all my problems vanish. Then I see you with my daughter and its like there is no one else in this world but us three. You have made every second of this relationship count. It feels like we have been together for an eternity.

I don't know what I did to deserve this but I will be thanking you for the rest of my life.

Not going TOO fast

Ok so there was a moment there where he just KNEW how I felt about him... I thought I was being slick and ummm nope he can read me better than any person I have ever met. So we were talking, and what about it totally irrelevant, and he says 'OMG YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME AREN'T YOU?!?!'  lol ummm well.... and with that he knew my secret.

The next verbal step here is saying things out loud. TO HIM. Ok so I tell OTHERS he is my bf, I just haven't worked up the courage to tell him. Why? I honestly don't know why the words won't come out. I know who this guy is. I KNOW HIM. Like he knows me, I guess at least kind of. Its so random that I can't say it. I mean we did meet a short time ago but I know this is going to sound so freaking stupid but within 5 minutes of meeting him I wanted to never leave his side. He drew me in and held me close and I haven't looked back.

We talk about our future like its all we need. We talk about our kids, my kid included, and our home and our lives like they are already happening. I spend my whole day looking at my phone waiting to see what beautiful thing he says next to me.

Yesterday tested everything. I kind of went all bratty and I couldn't stop it. At the end of the day he was still calling me and telling me he missed me and wasn't going anywhere. I think I met the man of my dreams and all I had to do was screw up a million times to get here.

Wow you have me now don't ya?

So needless to say I have gotten myself all happy and taken. He is an AMAZING guy who sadly lives pretty far away from me but I enjoy being in the country with him. The horses, the air, the random kids singing outside of the grocery store (yeah that shit happened) The best part? My kid LOVES it there. She loves the country life... Like seriously. its like I had no hand in raising her. She wants to go horse back riding. All that junk. While I am all like why doesn't my cell work out here?!?! LMAO.

Him and her have SO much in common with the video games and comic books. They sit and yak away about them. Its adorable but bores me to tears. We all went to see the new Superman movie and they both talked about it like crazy.... Like seriously I don't think I have ever met my own kid!

I am one happy girl, all smitten and totally happy. Now I just need to get into this apartment I want and maybe a tiny bit closer to him and life will be amazing.

Putty in your hands

You say things to me that make this girl go crazy. Sometimes I have to double check its your name on the text. Talking about how I have made your life better. Talking about how much you look forward to being with me. The words you say to me have me in a puddle on the floor. My heart beats fast and then randomly skips when you touch me. You look at me and I can feel you taking away all that pain I experienced before you.

You go out of your way to make me feel beautiful. No one in this world has ever made me feel this good. When you email me and ask how you go so lucky, even after you have seen my crazy side, tells me I am the luckiest girl on the planet. I wish I could explain to others these feelings but I feel as if I will never be able to do so.

Like I said, the distance drives me crazy but I anticipate my drive to you and it seems like its a minute and then going home seems quick too because I am certain there are no words.

This is an example of how amazing you are, saying things like this to me:

'You know whats cool, saying ours or we is so much better than saying me or I. Also the feeling of being with someone who is great as you and when together the whole world disappears. Now that is a rare thing to find!!'

You are my rock.

Your mom? Really

When you are talking and he says, 'So my mom asked about you....' yeah I literally wanted to jump out of my own skin. Then he proceeds to tell you about YOU. I told my mom this, and this....Then all I wanted to do was thank him for listening. Our situation is so different and unique that even though our time apart is the worst our time together is special and wonderful. I don't have many words for what I am feeling.

The way he looks at me, calls me babe when he thinks I am being cute and grins at me when he feels as if I am being shy those things I cherish. The way he pulls me closer to rub my shoulder when he thinks I am moving weird. The fact that my 'WIFE' LOVES HIM. The fact that Jordan comes first for us both. (The fact that his mom has offered to watch Jordan so we can go out on a date) The way his hand feels with mine.

That isn't everything but that's enough to make this girl look forward to seeing him again.