God is Good!!!

Four weeks after I left that MESS and started my new life I will be at my new job. The blessings and happiness I have RIGHT THIS SECOND totally make up for the stress. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO happy! Prayers have been answered!!!!!!

Three Weeks

Yeah I have been here for three weeks and it couldn't feel more right. In fact three weeks from RIGHT NOW I was on a plane. Eating the odd trail mix that was offered and enjoying some juice. Checking on Jordan every three seconds to make sure she was ok. Right now she is sitting at the table playing legos and loving on the puppies. We have a week until school begins and a week until I hopefully begin working. So at four weeks I will have come full circle, hopefully, with Jordan feeling stable and being stable. School will have begun and I will be ready for a new step towards the new me.

Its been a great step and I feel good.

Deep Breath Time

So now I am sitting here taking a breath. I am not being impatient. I do not want to rush the process. I do not want to get cocky. It IS hard knowing not one but TWO people were impressed with me and my attitude. So being cocky needs to be reserved for when I actually get the job :D I should hear today or tomorrow FOR SURE. The offer is on the table which I am grateful and happy for. Just need pass this LAST test.

Come on lets do it! Positive thoughts. Happy me. I am surrounded by greatness so I am hoping its going to rub off on me!

Any thoughts? I have a ton of readers and no comments LOL

This song rang true 10 years ago when it first came out and Chris and I were over. Today its just as true. The line about knowing all the faces and them not allowing me to change is forever true. I am NOT alone and am surrounded by love and happiness and friends and family who cares about me. Love me some rascal flatts.

Busy life, busy week

This week we have been all over the place, the mall, the farm, my cousins house basically all over any place within an hour of our house. The only place we haven't gone is actually Seattle LOL. Amazing! We have had so much fun and though I know that this is going to end super quick its nice to know that Jordan is having a great time. School starts in just over a week. Hopefully my job starts in a few weeks too :) Send me happy thoughts!

Crushing

Just because I am trapped under a boot doesn't mean I will be here forever. I hate to say this but Chumba Wumba rings true today, 'I get knocked down, but I get up again' so I will get back up, muddy and hurt to try again. There were no winners in what happened only loosers. We all lost and whats worse is the kids lost the most and YOU don't seem to give a flying rats ass. Selfish SOB. Anywho. I am trying and trying and trying and even though I am not ahead of the game I am still higher then I thought I would be. This guy Chris makes me super confident. Like I can accomplish anything. I hope he continues to believe in me because I know if I don't get paid he doesn't :)

Day in the sun

Its easy to pretend that you are happy when the clouds are out and there is a breeze. Sadly the second the sun peeks out it begins to feel like hell adding heat and moisture to a sick girl with a 'getting sick' kid just has bad written all over it, though I will say it was her idea to 'get out.' So any who today we went to a car show up North and all in all it was good with a few icks here and there. I love being here and I love all the hope I am getting I just hats this cloud that's hanging around me.

DAMN! LOL

I have been sick for a full day and I am not loving it! If you can let the giant sitting on my face to get the crap off I would appreciate it. I need to feel better by Monday and I KNOW its not going to happen because my friend has been sick since Thursday and she is still feeling icky. BOO! My face hurts! :( WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Each Day I grow closer

Today I did what I have been doing since I got here and I think it may have me stuck in a rut. So I think tomorrow I am going to try a new approach which is ok. I am pushing on. Today I think I began to feel 'normal' again. Less like discarded trash and more like a piece of this life I am in. I mentioned to my friend how all I have in me is anger, no sadness, and he said well sure you kind of knew the relationship was over months ago and while you still held hope that it could be repaired you weren't blind to the hints. Which is true. He was acting like a downright teenager and when that began my interest in him totally tanked, I saw him as a child who was extremely selfish and it quickly became unappealing. The last time we did anything I couldn't even get interested I just felt squished and hungry, Lol. So here I am totally getting 'looked at' and feeling like a million bucks. Once I get steady I will start looking for something real, no flings or one nighters for me, show me the guy with a passion, a truck, a 5-o'clock shadow and a killer smile and I will get interested. :-)

Just thinking........

Here I am again with you on my mind. Today I got a call from a Chris and am hoping its my 'sign' that this is my path. Everyone has such faith in me and swears this is where I belong but I doubt it. Not that being here doesn't feel like MY place because it totally does. I remember my first time here I was barely 21 and I was coming here as a not so surprise for you. Your mom and I worked so hard to keep it a secret while you were over seas an then you called me at 12:01 am my time on my birthday to surprise me and I was already drunk, Lol I totally ruined the surprise. So I spent the first day without you hanging out with your family and I loved them all so much. Then we were on our way to see you and it was so weird, six months of letters and quick phone calls couldn't prepare my heart for that moment I saw you.I know I looked restrained because I let your mom, sister and step dad greet you first but we were connected in unexplained ways. The second our eyes met and you picked me up it was all over. You had me. That kiss should be in a museum somewhere because it put movies to shame it was breathtaking. Knowing I will never have that again is tragic. I will always tell my kid(s) about that time and how it felt. So again as I wrap up tonight, I was watching American Reunion, please watch over us. Please lead me to my path. Know that I love you and never stopped, even when we broke up. I miss you........

Being Honest

If someone is honest why are they punished? People go around lying and getting everything and those of us who share what is critical get the shaft. I am so frustrated. No matter how happy and optimistic I try to be I get kicked down. People walk all over me and have for years and my pay back is this......

Fantastic I guess. If karma is real I feel bad for those who aren't having hard times right now and are acting like complete asses. This situation SUCKS and if its this bad now karma owes me some heavy easy times.

Confidence boost

So yesterday I was waiting at an office and this guy walked in. It was awesome he looked at me, then looked back and then a third time took a hard third look :) Oh let let me tell you he was a cutie and a total country boy. Not that I am looking, because I need to work on me first, but wow it felt amazing to have someone triple check me and grin the whole time. Of course it helped that he was good looking but that is besides the point.

So yeah I know this is my second post today but that made me feel good.

A bump in the road

So now I am forced to be on a lease in a State I don't live in all because I was forced to sign the lease under false pretenses. He never intended on letting me stay there and now I am tied to him for another NINE months!!! WOW! Holy crap!

I am confident I hate him more this second then I have the whole TWO weeks I have been going through this! Yeah two weeks ago I woke up happy and in love and that QUICKLY faded to hate, anger and disgust. If I could spit in his face I would. If you are reading this and know who I am talking about find him and do so for me please :) or his car.......or his front door........ and do it if you are sick more :) LOL

Oh well on to the next.

One week......

A week ago today my scheduled flight was late, some light issue, and I was scared out of my mind. The only life my child has known was ripped from her and we were moving to a foreign place, to her at least. Ever since I came here in April of 2002 I have wanted to move here. Not in this way or under these circumstances but here was my end plan. Now here I am, jobless and broke wondering what my life's path holds. While I won't hold my breath for perfection I will accept any form of survival that makes my 'broke' go away and since I feel healed I will move on in the dating world when I am on my feet. :*)

Sorry

Today I realized I missed you. I am miles from our first kiss. I am miles from our first hug. All of our firsts happened miles from where I lay tonight. Your passing was the beginning of the end of my relationship with HIM.when I heard about your passing it was like my soul died and would never be whole again. I always kind of held hope that we would find each other again. Chris, I miss you so much tonight. You were my first love and the one that got away. I have to face facts that I walked away when I didn't want too. We were perfect together in everyway and I am kicking myself for letting you go. I know it wouldn't change your circumstances and I am certain if we were still together when you passed I would still be hollow on the inside but I would have gotten that time with you. So here it is, I am heartbroken that I hurt you the way I did. Your situation scared me and we were so far apart. I saw the desperation in your eyes when you begged me to love you forever, when you asked me to move to NY to be with you. Saying no cut me deep. I lost your mom as a friend, I temporarily lost your sister as a friend as well. Those relationships I will rebuild now that I am here. I just hope that they don't blame me like I blame myself. Please watch over me and guide me. I love you Christopher A.B. (I still love that our initials matched) <3

Over Six years and what?

I fell in love. It was the second greatest love of my life and I FOUGHT to keep it for over six years. What did I get out of it? NOTHING! Oh wait I have a child who lost the only 'daddy' she has ever known. Does that son of a bitch care? NO! He does not! You know what he cares about? His beer, his cigarattes, his beer making, his 'MEDICINE', and himself. I dealt with drama after drama by him and his mother and his sister in law for six years and all I got out of it was a heart broken child and a $300 power bill.

The $300 I can deal with. I will hopefully speak with the company and get it sorted out so they don't come after me and I can get utilities turned on here in my name but my child? Are you freaking kidding me? He was willing to kick HER out on the street. He didn't care about her. He cared about himself. Oh lets rephrase something there were lies being thrown around by a KNOWN liar who used their GO TO LIE to get me gone and apparently this son of a bitch was just looking for a way out. Get some damn balls and say shit to my face. You realize we share friends right? Dumb fuck!

Some people just need to grow the eff up. Ok while I type that I realize I am acting childish but I am pissed. My child is hurt! How is she ever going to trust someone again when all she got after 6 years was kicked out? So here I am 'mentally' blocked while working some things out and all I want to do is punch and kick and scream.

Jordan Turned 9!!!

Wow! Amongst all that drama and issue I never forgot how close it all was to Jordan's birthday. My baby turned 9 yesterday. So we started the day with Pancakes. Chocolate chip ones to be exact. She got her favorite braid in her hair and then left with the boys to help prepare the boat for a trip on the lake. When we got to the lake Jordan was excited to see that Heather and I had bought Subway, which is one of her faves, and out on the Lake we went. She got to see the Space Needle and ride up front with Mike.

Shortly before we left Jordan and Mike went on tubes and all in all it was a great afternoon. Afterwards we went home and had dinner while watching Aladdin. Hot Dogs and Mac and Cheese. Then Jordan had presents and got the very few things she had been asking for plus a ton more and she was thrilled. In fact she was WAY wiped out before usual and when I got to bed she was dead to the world.

So I am able to check an item off of my list. Happy Child.........Check.

Well Hello there

This is my NEW blog :) Yup I now have three. Keep an eye out. I will be posting as much as I can but right now I am focusing on my family. My friend Walter suggested I name my 'new chapter' redemption so here it is. I hope you stay tuned because apparently I have a great life in the waiting for me after 6 1/2 years of complete and utter bull crap :D