You came back

Last night I had a dream. It started out beautiful. It stated out 11 years ago, remember? You? Me? This place? It was us against the world. But this story has a different middle. You know how I left? We fought like crazy because you wouldn't talk to me, trust in me, tell me anything? The only difference was we found our way we stopped fighting and we were married and had kids.

We both moved back to Tacoma and spent our lives with your family and our kids and we were happy. My dream was amazing. It was so happy. To be honest it was the best dream and the best nights sleep I think I have had since well to be honest since 11 years ago when you and I were together.

The reality of it is that the end of my dream you still died. Logic in my head is still always there. When I heard that you passed the reality of it was that even if we had lasted you would have still died. You would still be gone. So while it was amazing to have you in my safe place it was sad to loose you again in my dreams. I have to apologize to you because I stole your pics. :) I went to your fb and took them. I miss you and wanted to share your pics here.

This second picture I remember more than anything. I remember when you sent a copy to me from Germany. You were so excited. Of course you sent it to explain to me why you were so waisted when we were talking before but still looking at this picture always takes me back. 

I miss you. I am going to go and see you soon if I can. You know that I don't drink beer but I know I will do a shot as much as the next guy. I will miss you on my birthday like I have for years. I will never forget that call. The one you made at 12:01 am on my 21st birthday. You made me feel special. I was drunk and I can STILL remember the gesture. How I felt when I answered and heard your voice. How hearing you say 'I love you' made me feel. Those things will never be erased. I can just hope that there is another guy out there who can make me feel the way you did. <3

Realization

When I moved here I met someone I really liked. Honestly almost immediately. He was everything I have never had before. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, well he still does but not as often. We have hung out but in getting to know this person I found out he is nearly EXACTLY like my last bf except he didn't live his teens as a f*up. In fact he still isn't a f*up.

The steps that we took to get to where we are made me realize that I am ready to date someone who is ready too. So while I manage loosing a guy I never really thought I would end up with I am going to post this song. It kind of reminds me of him. I told him everything. Now I have to stop myself from calling him or sending him a 'quick' text many times in a day.

One step closer

I have taken great steps to being independent. I have had help. I have never gotten so much help and been so appreciative of it. SO now I can work harder to be completely on my own.

Each day I am away from you I am one step closer to my future!

I LOVE MY LIFE...

Just when I think its ok

I get hit by a bus. My heart is yours and I miss you. Your face is stuck there like a branding. I can only hope that when I do finally move on that I have your blessing. That the 'signs' I see are you showing me my path. I was watching this movie last night called "Jeff Who Lives At Home" and for a while I thought wow this movie is WEIRD until the last about five minutes. The end of the movie was like a sign after sign. I ended up crying at the end because I like to believe that live is a series of signs telling us what step to make next. Sometimes we don't interpret the signs correctly and make mistakes. Thats ok though. We are put here to make mistakes and screw up. What the beauty is that if we end up learning from these things we will come out tomorrow better.

Here I am today waiting to see why I made these mistakes. See what reality has in store for me. I am ready for my future. I hope it comes to me loud and clear.

Over 6 months

I walked away from you over six months ago. You held me down. You refused to support me and held me down. You would complain about me not working and then complain that I would want a job. You could never decide what you wanted and that still applies. I feel sorry for you.

I am a new person. I have made great friends up here. I work for an amazing company with people who have become my friends and family. I am active in a church that I feel at home in. I am loosing weight and feeling great about who I am.

I am now in talks with a friend who works at a local dealership to get me some wheels. I am joining a team to do a marathon in Seattle with friends from work. I found a running partner. I am actually thinking about getting a second job just so I can buy all new things for our new place when we move out.

My daughter finally speaks to men that she has known for a while again. Yeah you made her HATE men. Thanks for that. Thanks for showing her how disgusting and nasty some boys can be. She learned that at 8. Congrats you are the scum of the earth.

Thats partially true. She does LOVE my co-worker. She hangs on his every word. She sits with him when she is at work with me. This has been since the second she met him. I don't know why but she trusts him. (I know why but thats my business)

I am getting to spend Valentines Day with my family here. The people who picked me up when you threw me down. The people who smile when I accomplish things. The people who hug me when I am feeling lonely. Those same people who remind me how much of a waist of time you are. I get to WORK tomorrow :) I get to smile and be surrounded by amazing and personable people then go home and hug my kid. I get to give gifts I picked out and receive ones that were chosen carefully for me.

My life without you is a million times better than it was with you. Just remember even though I walked away, I could have stayed. I could have made your life a living hell. I would have had fun messing with you. It was better to watch your life fall apart from here though. I got great weather, a great job and new amazing friends. What did you get?

I also reconnected with an ex that would have REALLY Pissed you off..... HAHAHA Him and I are closer now than we were when we were together/engaged. So thanks for being a supreme ass. I finally saw the light and there was a great life in my vision and there you were in my rear view falling apart.

Finding me

This song gets played at our church and it usually gets stuck in my head. Friday I heard it when I got into the car after work and it made me smile. So I am sharing it here.

Quick to judge

I can usually catch myself doing this. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person but it does have something to do with how we were shown how to act by our parents and those people who meant things to us in our past.

Even being quick to react is bad. I found myself being bothered by someone this week and its not a new thing. Its been a few months coming and when I heard I may not have to be bothered by this person anymore it seems like every move they make is an irritation. Someone came to me and showed real concern about my feelings so I unloaded and didn't even think about where we were or what was happening but all of what had been happening just fell out of my mouth.....

Looking back it may not have been a good idea to do it where I was doing it but it wasn't a bad idea to let those feelings go.

Ugh, oh well.....