Lessons Learned in 2012 part 2

Go with your gut. I know its stupid. But here is the thing. I thought I loved someone and we talked about getting married all the time but I refused to commit because something in my gut always said NO. I felt like I wasn't the marrying kind. I mean look at my role models. My parents were divorced shortly after I was born. My dad seems to get married more often then I purchase shoes and my mom other then my dad has been married to a looser who lets just say should stay in jail for life.

Then relationships around me are all pretty crummy too. People who stay married that hate each other just because they don't believe in divorce. Some people stay married for life and die hating their significant other. I can't do that. When I get married its going to be for keeps. Lately I have begun to think that my waiting was for the best.

So back to what happened this year. When I felt something wrong and my gut told me to listen I did and I found out that I was dating the scum of the earth. My gut warned me things weren't right and I listened. So here I am. Happy. Enjoying some rain, typical, and loving life.

You have no clue how much I don't miss you. Yeah I think of you because I did care about you. I did love something about you. Funny thing I can't think of what it is or was. In fact I look at pictures of you and I feel NOTHING.

Sad but honestly not really.

Lessons Learned in 2012 part 1

Lesson one..... You cannot have your heart broken by someone when you didn't have it to give away. Those following my blog know that I met the man of my dreams in 2001. He was my first love. I was 20 and he was 27. He never had to say a word to me and I knew how beautiful I was to him. We fell in love the old fashioned way, through letters while he was fighting in the war. I gave my heart and soul to him. We tried to find each other at different times but one of us was always in something else. When he died a part of me died. To this day I still crave him. Ok let me explain that. Chris talked to me like everything out of my mouth was gold. Even if he thought I was being a silly kid he played along. He looked at me and through his eyes all I saw was love. At 21 I waisted that. It frighted me to know that love was out there so I ran. So when my most recent relationship ended I found myself crying over my stupidity. I found myself crying over what I missed with Chris. I cried over years waisted with a looser when I had my King and hero waiting for me here in Washington. I know a part of my heart is back. With each day I heal and while I still miss Chris he will always be a part of who I am. Yes I waisted close to 7 years with someone who made me feel ugly, useless and a looser but he can never experience what Chris and I had. So now I am choosing to move on. I 'may' have prospects. I 'may' be dating already. I also 'may' never date again....lol yeah right who am I kidding. Lets just say. I feel pretty again.....

Feeling unsure about that....

My poor friend Chelly.......

She is such a great friend and I totally appreciate her but she has sat there and listened to me talk about so and so since we became friends. I swear she is the most amazing person I know.

She supports me, she holds me up, I feel so appreciated when I am speaking to her. I am not going to be talking about whats happening in my life because I don't want it back in my face but Life is great, God is good.

Just letting things happen

So IF things go the way they do here is the plan. Enjoying how I feel NOW.

Church today was about facing our demons and well we all know what my DEMON is. The one who just won't let it go. Until I HAVE to deal with it I think its just best if I just let it go. I am doing what I can to just ignore it but I am having to struggle and stress because YOU do drugs and couldn't keep it together when you decided SELFISHLY to end our relationship. Must be burning your mom now to see how I kept your butt in shape for all that time! HAHAHA Oh yeah that feels good :)

So in this plan is getting to REALLY know the people I have in my life. Getting to know them in a non techy way. Like I said before if/when I I start, or already started, dating I was going to keep that relationship to myself for as long as I can. Try and avoid phones and social media and doing anything that has anything to do with it.

The way I feel NOW will only work if it continues when I am with him. Right now I am enjoying it......

Trying to move on

Whats hard about moving on from the last guy.....

The fact that he is still finding ways to keep his drama spilling into my life. Its interesting how he was so insistent on my being the root cause of all of the drama that occupied OUR life, when honestly most of it was HIS mommy, but since I have been gone NO drama has happened with me here or the people I am choosing to surround my life with.

The worst, I cannot get my name off of the lease no matter how hard I beg. He keeps letting undesirables live with him and I am going to have to pay for his mistakes all because he let me sign a lease KNOWING full well he wanted nothing more with our relationship. The only thing keeping me in AZ was his looser ass and so you ALL know the SECOND I found out who he was turning into I was on the first flight I could get on to out of his life and into my own.

Since I have gotten back here I have been welcomed with open arms not only into my best friends life but into her husbands family, into the lives of all the new friends I have made, into a new church (which is similar to CCV) and of course into the lives of my bosses. That one I am the MOST thankful for.

My bosses are wonderful. They let me work my own hours, they let me wear what I want, they welcome me and make me feel at home. This has been the BEST JOB I have ever had. The fact that it started out as, 'As long as there is data entry work' to 'When our son moves to AZ with his wife you will be moved to a new position and will be perm.'

This girl is SOOOOO blessed!

<3

Moving up

While I hate to say it, its time for me to move on from this hurt and pain.

You died and left me. Not the other way around. I was hoping for redemption in our future and you left. Not only did you leave but you left angry with me. I understand your anger with me but what I do not understand is your willingness to just go.

You will always be my first love, that is something no one will ever take from me. What I cannot do is pine after you any longer. I am choosing to appreciate the fact that I was given love in this manner and sharing it with the world.

I cannot put this pressure on anyone else. My love for you is intimidating and for that I apologize for never giving any other man a fair shot at loving me. All I can hope for is the first step which is saying good bye for good and accepting that our chance went to the grave with you.

I love you Christopher. You have pieces of me I cannot get back but I have the same of you. You will live on forever in me. Please watch over me and Jordan.

Just because.......

I really want to point out that just because I am not there doesn't mean that I have NO CLUE whats going on! My question is did you loose you job, or lie to me about having to go in everyday? I mean I know you are a POS but if you were lying that REALLY takes the cake.

Doing things that involve me and thinking I won't find out is a whole different story. Like did you really think I wouldn't find out? I have my own family AND friends who life within a few miles of you so if you really think I don't have people checking up on the house where my name is included you are the stupidest person on the face of the planet. Just thought you should know.

On to other things.