One step closer

I have taken great steps to being independent. I have had help. I have never gotten so much help and been so appreciative of it. SO now I can work harder to be completely on my own.

Each day I am away from you I am one step closer to my future!

I LOVE MY LIFE...

Just when I think its ok

I get hit by a bus. My heart is yours and I miss you. Your face is stuck there like a branding. I can only hope that when I do finally move on that I have your blessing. That the 'signs' I see are you showing me my path. I was watching this movie last night called "Jeff Who Lives At Home" and for a while I thought wow this movie is WEIRD until the last about five minutes. The end of the movie was like a sign after sign. I ended up crying at the end because I like to believe that live is a series of signs telling us what step to make next. Sometimes we don't interpret the signs correctly and make mistakes. Thats ok though. We are put here to make mistakes and screw up. What the beauty is that if we end up learning from these things we will come out tomorrow better.

Here I am today waiting to see why I made these mistakes. See what reality has in store for me. I am ready for my future. I hope it comes to me loud and clear.

Over 6 months

I walked away from you over six months ago. You held me down. You refused to support me and held me down. You would complain about me not working and then complain that I would want a job. You could never decide what you wanted and that still applies. I feel sorry for you.

I am a new person. I have made great friends up here. I work for an amazing company with people who have become my friends and family. I am active in a church that I feel at home in. I am loosing weight and feeling great about who I am.

I am now in talks with a friend who works at a local dealership to get me some wheels. I am joining a team to do a marathon in Seattle with friends from work. I found a running partner. I am actually thinking about getting a second job just so I can buy all new things for our new place when we move out.

My daughter finally speaks to men that she has known for a while again. Yeah you made her HATE men. Thanks for that. Thanks for showing her how disgusting and nasty some boys can be. She learned that at 8. Congrats you are the scum of the earth.

Thats partially true. She does LOVE my co-worker. She hangs on his every word. She sits with him when she is at work with me. This has been since the second she met him. I don't know why but she trusts him. (I know why but thats my business)

I am getting to spend Valentines Day with my family here. The people who picked me up when you threw me down. The people who smile when I accomplish things. The people who hug me when I am feeling lonely. Those same people who remind me how much of a waist of time you are. I get to WORK tomorrow :) I get to smile and be surrounded by amazing and personable people then go home and hug my kid. I get to give gifts I picked out and receive ones that were chosen carefully for me.

My life without you is a million times better than it was with you. Just remember even though I walked away, I could have stayed. I could have made your life a living hell. I would have had fun messing with you. It was better to watch your life fall apart from here though. I got great weather, a great job and new amazing friends. What did you get?

I also reconnected with an ex that would have REALLY Pissed you off..... HAHAHA Him and I are closer now than we were when we were together/engaged. So thanks for being a supreme ass. I finally saw the light and there was a great life in my vision and there you were in my rear view falling apart.

Finding me

This song gets played at our church and it usually gets stuck in my head. Friday I heard it when I got into the car after work and it made me smile. So I am sharing it here.

Quick to judge

I can usually catch myself doing this. It has nothing to do with who I am as a person but it does have something to do with how we were shown how to act by our parents and those people who meant things to us in our past.

Even being quick to react is bad. I found myself being bothered by someone this week and its not a new thing. Its been a few months coming and when I heard I may not have to be bothered by this person anymore it seems like every move they make is an irritation. Someone came to me and showed real concern about my feelings so I unloaded and didn't even think about where we were or what was happening but all of what had been happening just fell out of my mouth.....

Looking back it may not have been a good idea to do it where I was doing it but it wasn't a bad idea to let those feelings go.

Ugh, oh well.....

Wanting my happiness

So I have begun speaking with my son's dad. Not for any reason but I need to move on from that situation and give him more. For the first time since we broke up I feel normal speaking to him. Its been 13 years since we really SPOKE. Which sounds odd but its the truth.

I like having that bond back. We were good together and I admit that. He helped me remember who I wanted to be when I was that young. I am not that person. Its sad.

Next step....MY CAR!! AHHHHH :D

The one about Chris...

So I was having a hard day on Monday and I couldn't figure it out.

It was weird so I was talking about Chris' sister and where she lived and I seriously can NEVER figure it out! So I looked it up on Facebook and there it was.....

Ben died.....

Not keeping score, I know but Ben was Chris' younger brother. Him and I had just began talking and I had, had hopes to meet him soon since I work by where him and Summer were living. I am so completely sad over this. I honestly was so torn up over this guy passing and I barely knew him.

My hopes about it. Well since we have no clue what heaven is like I can only hope that Chris and Ben were reunited and are together now.

This world is so lonely without Chris. His smile and bright eyes and his laughter.

He was such a great person. I am sure Ben, from what I knew, was a great person.

What is the worst is their poor mom. I am so sad for her. I loved her and miss our friendship everyday. She cared about me so much and I walked away from them because I wasn't ready to be an adult and here I am today.

Chris, I love you. I hope you are happy to have your brother. I hope you are now able to rest in peace.