A new Chapter, totally exciting

Hi there. I am here to inform myself that in the last part of my life I let my weight get out of control. For some reason all the guys I am interested in are completely fit. Like... Umm.... ok...

So I have made a promise to myself that I will try to loose at least 5 pounds a month. Try being the operative word there. Yeah I know its possible. Whats not making it easy is time. I am up at 6 am, out of the house by 7. I am home anytime from 5:45pm to like 7 depending on the nights activities, and when I am feeling WAY adventurous I don't get home until after 9. Yeah. So the goal is to monitor what I eat better.

I have some walking buddies and so I just need to begin doing some kind of weight training before bed or activities like crunches or push ups, yeah who am I kidding. LOL I want to be a healthier me for future me. So here it goes.

Always making a change

So I have this new job. I am making more money, working more hours and keeping super busy. Jordan is joining gymnastics and we are making new friends. Yesterday we went to Olympia for some crazy 'hipster' 'stoner' festival. lol Yeah I felt so out of place! HAHA I was there with a friend from HS and her Army husband. We took Jordan and walked around downtown. It was a good day. Afterwards we drove the long distance home and picked up dinner before going to my friends house and having a night out. It was night to talk to a adult who 'gets it.'

Honestly sometimes its nice just to say something and have someone say, 'Yeah I agree.' I felt better.

Working my ass off

So here is the thing. 6 years ago I stopped working a full time job to become a full time mommy and 'house wife' for NO PAY, no appreciation and a jerk. Leaving Phoenix meant getting a job, step one. I handled that but at first poorly. I am now on job three.

Job three has been amazing, yes I know two weeks in, but I have gone up two dollars an hour since I started. in fact day 7 was when I got the bump. Shows promise, no? LOL ok so step two was getting a car. I did that. I was shocked at how hard it was to hit the ground but once I did I was able to do it with little help. My payments are low and my insurance is as well. Plus in April of next year I will completely own this car. Not to say this car doesn't have issues, because it has a few, but I have a great 'car fixer' and we have been diligent at fixing each issue one at a time.

Step three getting insurance. I am in process now. I am hoping to get approved for both of us though I would be ok if my kid was approved it would be nice to finally get into a doctor myself to address my bp issues and stuff.

Step four is saving money for a place to live. I need SOME furniture but I have to insist of a new couch and bed. So thats where I am today :) My  short term goals.

Observations...LOL

So your ex wife quit working when you met her? Right? Shortly after WE met you began to question why I worked. You constantly threw out comments about how when I worked long hours I couldn't clean and cook and take care of the kids. After many failed attempts of trying to stay employed I quit working at your insistence. Though you 'acted' as if I should get a job you never really tried to give me chances to do so. You made sure I couldn't get to a job by car or bus. You made sure I had NO access to money, you made sure to really held me down. But you made sure you didn't 'let me know' that its what you were doing. So when someone else helped me, you finally decided to 'rid your life of me'

Funny thing, your 'roommate' is currently unemployed. HAHAHA I think I found your pattern.


Turns out the problem isn't the women, its YOU! HAHAHAHHA

I always knew

You know the faint voice in the back of your head that you ignore? Well I have decided its important and I am taking its advise now. Starting with acknowledging that you are a waist of my time. I mean I get a laugh hearing about how you spend 'days' drinking with your 'friends' during the week and how I have picture proof you spend your nights the same way. Guess its hard to deal with the mess you have created and to avoid having to deal with it you are drinking your life away. Sounds like a crappy way to deal with life but I am not you. Now, like before, I drink when its social and when the mood strikes. I don't need booze to deal with my life or issues surrounding it.

Now this Young Champions bull. I am currently checking my possibilities. I am not going to sit down and let this person sling mud at me and put my character in question. I DO NOT STEAL! You won't get away with saying so either. If I have to come after the company to get satisfaction I will. This will not stand.

I did get a new job. The step to fixing my life was if I got a job quickly I would begin tithing regularly. I didn't 'promise' an amount but I did promise if I did get a job quickly that I would promise to tithe. I have always needed to but now I feel as if God was on my side with this so I am going to keep my promise and begin to tithe regularly.

That is all for today. I am tired. I got my first pair of shoes in 5 years today and it makes me feel better.

You came back

Last night I had a dream. It started out beautiful. It stated out 11 years ago, remember? You? Me? This place? It was us against the world. But this story has a different middle. You know how I left? We fought like crazy because you wouldn't talk to me, trust in me, tell me anything? The only difference was we found our way we stopped fighting and we were married and had kids.

We both moved back to Tacoma and spent our lives with your family and our kids and we were happy. My dream was amazing. It was so happy. To be honest it was the best dream and the best nights sleep I think I have had since well to be honest since 11 years ago when you and I were together.

The reality of it is that the end of my dream you still died. Logic in my head is still always there. When I heard that you passed the reality of it was that even if we had lasted you would have still died. You would still be gone. So while it was amazing to have you in my safe place it was sad to loose you again in my dreams. I have to apologize to you because I stole your pics. :) I went to your fb and took them. I miss you and wanted to share your pics here.

This second picture I remember more than anything. I remember when you sent a copy to me from Germany. You were so excited. Of course you sent it to explain to me why you were so waisted when we were talking before but still looking at this picture always takes me back. 

I miss you. I am going to go and see you soon if I can. You know that I don't drink beer but I know I will do a shot as much as the next guy. I will miss you on my birthday like I have for years. I will never forget that call. The one you made at 12:01 am on my 21st birthday. You made me feel special. I was drunk and I can STILL remember the gesture. How I felt when I answered and heard your voice. How hearing you say 'I love you' made me feel. Those things will never be erased. I can just hope that there is another guy out there who can make me feel the way you did. <3

Realization

When I moved here I met someone I really liked. Honestly almost immediately. He was everything I have never had before. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, well he still does but not as often. We have hung out but in getting to know this person I found out he is nearly EXACTLY like my last bf except he didn't live his teens as a f*up. In fact he still isn't a f*up.

The steps that we took to get to where we are made me realize that I am ready to date someone who is ready too. So while I manage loosing a guy I never really thought I would end up with I am going to post this song. It kind of reminds me of him. I told him everything. Now I have to stop myself from calling him or sending him a 'quick' text many times in a day.