Wanting my happiness

So I have begun speaking with my son's dad. Not for any reason but I need to move on from that situation and give him more. For the first time since we broke up I feel normal speaking to him. Its been 13 years since we really SPOKE. Which sounds odd but its the truth.

I like having that bond back. We were good together and I admit that. He helped me remember who I wanted to be when I was that young. I am not that person. Its sad.

Next step....MY CAR!! AHHHHH :D

The one about Chris...

So I was having a hard day on Monday and I couldn't figure it out.

It was weird so I was talking about Chris' sister and where she lived and I seriously can NEVER figure it out! So I looked it up on Facebook and there it was.....

Ben died.....

Not keeping score, I know but Ben was Chris' younger brother. Him and I had just began talking and I had, had hopes to meet him soon since I work by where him and Summer were living. I am so completely sad over this. I honestly was so torn up over this guy passing and I barely knew him.

My hopes about it. Well since we have no clue what heaven is like I can only hope that Chris and Ben were reunited and are together now.

This world is so lonely without Chris. His smile and bright eyes and his laughter.

He was such a great person. I am sure Ben, from what I knew, was a great person.

What is the worst is their poor mom. I am so sad for her. I loved her and miss our friendship everyday. She cared about me so much and I walked away from them because I wasn't ready to be an adult and here I am today.

Chris, I love you. I hope you are happy to have your brother. I hope you are now able to rest in peace.

Only Saying This Once

Listen I am not in a relationship, today, but I am going to say what has been in my gut for nearly 6 months now. Some of this is new drama, which has developed over time, some of it is from JULY but I have been ignoring it with hopes that it would fade lets face it I am not a 'fester' kind of girl. First off: I left HIS ASS!!

Ok so lets cycle through this. This ass went on a 'work trip' which ended up being code for work for 5 hours and play in Vegas with my buddies for two days and loose a shit ton of money. Did he mention it before he left? No. Did he act like it was no big effing deal when he came back? Right-o.

So he left me with $300 for gas, a costco trip, groceries and a special food night for me and the kids. I should mention we had a nissan xterra which took a shit ton of gas. I hadn't been to costco in a while so that was already pricey and then groceries. Add to the fact that we had a deal that I wouldn't have to be alone with his child because she is mentally unstable and really digs into me when he wasn't around. So many things wrong here. So anyways a few weeks past and nothing is discussed. Then one day he attacks me in a disagreement and I got a bad feeling.

So I went for proof. I checked his sent emails. I had done it from time to time to check on things between him ans his daughters school or teacher so he knew I would. So I found an email from him and I should copy and paste his nasty, disgusting and hateful words on here but its not worth it. Long story short he stated I stole $400 dollars from him, when he gave me three for the house, and that he was to evict me from my house and how I was like his ex wife. Ok while I don't hate her now I am nothing like her.

Two: not paying rent. Letting people move in without my permission. Letting his child cut holes in the expensive screens in the home we were renting. Letting that same home go into ruins. Yeah this guy is a winner.

Three: This is one of the BEST things. He has a restraining order on me...... Laughable! First off in order to have an ORDER of protection you have to go out court and PROVE that I am a threat.....
yeah good luck there. Secondly IF you were given an order of protection I would have needed to be served by a sherrif and the last time I checked one NEVER knocked on my door...... Nice try but you fail.

Fourthly: This is a kicker. That I hit, or abused his kid. This one really pissed me off. It was her go to when she was done with someone. Her mother, she step father, her grandmother and her teachers or classmates.Someone is always beating this kid. I admit I fell victim to it when it came to a few of those but there is no way in this WORLD I would have done that. I am thankful I was looking for my easy out and apparently so was he because this was what apparently pushed him and it pushed me to go running.

Fifth: I am going to copy and paste this email, yeah its a new one....
So he bragged to MY friend about how he was skipping out on rent and how the landlord didn't care and yadda yadda and then mentioned the restraining order BS so I contacted one of those people he was letting with with him who WAS MY FRIEND might I add and well here is our convo.

• Chelsie Burke

  You should tell your 'roomate' that in order to have a restraining order against me I need to be served by a sheriff. Not that he would be granted one with the witnesses I have. Secondly that he should never trust people. Or 'bitch' about me to MY friends.
• Monday
• 

  14:50

  A

  You should keep me out of yours and his drama and tell him yourself. I wouldn't have you relay messages to my ex. Come on now
• 

  15:33

  Chelsie Burke

  I don't talk to him. I am smarter then that. He is blocked from contacting me in any way shape and form. I know better. He is a nut case after he threatened my life in front of my child and my friend he is lucky his ass isn't in jail.
• 

  15:38

  Chelsie Burke

  And the minute you moved into the house with my name in it without talking to me about it you lodged yourself in between Greg and I
• 

  15:48

  A

  You should've taken yourself off like he's been trying to have the landlord do.
• 

  15:52

  Chelsie Burke

  Yeah you don't think I have spent COUNTLESS HOURS on the phone begging them and emailing them too?!?! Getting my ass lectured about my minutes because I continuously call them and wait on hold and call different people begging to clear my name. If he would have caught up they were finally willing to remove me. But they knew he would never catch up. He can blame himself for that.
• 

  15:55

  Chelsie Burke

  The fact that you only know his side of the story tells me you were too willing to believe all his lies anyways. If you cared about me like you said as a friend you would have asked me my side of the story instead of throwing his in my face. I know both sides and have heard his from more than one person. All my friends came to me to clarify the story after he told his.....
  

  
  

  So there is that. She WAS my friend and I did delete her in the process of this drama because I know better. So the next morning this is what I wake up too. Now keep in mind I HAVE NOT contacted him other then to tell him I was shutting the power off THREE DAYS before I had it scheduled to shut off. This was also the day after I moved. I could have had the power shut of immediately but thats beside the point I have a heart. So here is his email to me. 

  
  

  
  

  G <m@gmail.com>	Jan 22 (2 days ago)
  to me

  I hoped i would never have to mention anything to you again, but of course that doesn't happen with someone of your caliber.

  
  

  If you don't get it by now maybe this will help, I am done with you, and all your shit.   Now you can be an adult and leave me and anyone associated with me alone, none of us have time for nor want any of your drama.

  
  

  Thats all, I hope you grow up and move on.

  
  

  HAHAHA sorry but I find this extremely AMUSING! Btw I still talk to half of his friends.....Even a family member. Its just the one chick I blocked in the last few days that I don't :)

  
  

  Ahhhh I am so relaxed now. 

  
  

  I will post tomorrow I think. I have another story to tell. If you have been following about Chris, my ex, this will interest you. 

Lessons Learned in 2012 part 2

Go with your gut. I know its stupid. But here is the thing. I thought I loved someone and we talked about getting married all the time but I refused to commit because something in my gut always said NO. I felt like I wasn't the marrying kind. I mean look at my role models. My parents were divorced shortly after I was born. My dad seems to get married more often then I purchase shoes and my mom other then my dad has been married to a looser who lets just say should stay in jail for life.

Then relationships around me are all pretty crummy too. People who stay married that hate each other just because they don't believe in divorce. Some people stay married for life and die hating their significant other. I can't do that. When I get married its going to be for keeps. Lately I have begun to think that my waiting was for the best.

So back to what happened this year. When I felt something wrong and my gut told me to listen I did and I found out that I was dating the scum of the earth. My gut warned me things weren't right and I listened. So here I am. Happy. Enjoying some rain, typical, and loving life.

You have no clue how much I don't miss you. Yeah I think of you because I did care about you. I did love something about you. Funny thing I can't think of what it is or was. In fact I look at pictures of you and I feel NOTHING.

Sad but honestly not really.

Lessons Learned in 2012 part 1

Lesson one..... You cannot have your heart broken by someone when you didn't have it to give away. Those following my blog know that I met the man of my dreams in 2001. He was my first love. I was 20 and he was 27. He never had to say a word to me and I knew how beautiful I was to him. We fell in love the old fashioned way, through letters while he was fighting in the war. I gave my heart and soul to him. We tried to find each other at different times but one of us was always in something else. When he died a part of me died. To this day I still crave him. Ok let me explain that. Chris talked to me like everything out of my mouth was gold. Even if he thought I was being a silly kid he played along. He looked at me and through his eyes all I saw was love. At 21 I waisted that. It frighted me to know that love was out there so I ran. So when my most recent relationship ended I found myself crying over my stupidity. I found myself crying over what I missed with Chris. I cried over years waisted with a looser when I had my King and hero waiting for me here in Washington. I know a part of my heart is back. With each day I heal and while I still miss Chris he will always be a part of who I am. Yes I waisted close to 7 years with someone who made me feel ugly, useless and a looser but he can never experience what Chris and I had. So now I am choosing to move on. I 'may' have prospects. I 'may' be dating already. I also 'may' never date again....lol yeah right who am I kidding. Lets just say. I feel pretty again.....

Feeling unsure about that....

My poor friend Chelly.......

She is such a great friend and I totally appreciate her but she has sat there and listened to me talk about so and so since we became friends. I swear she is the most amazing person I know.

She supports me, she holds me up, I feel so appreciated when I am speaking to her. I am not going to be talking about whats happening in my life because I don't want it back in my face but Life is great, God is good.

Just letting things happen

So IF things go the way they do here is the plan. Enjoying how I feel NOW.

Church today was about facing our demons and well we all know what my DEMON is. The one who just won't let it go. Until I HAVE to deal with it I think its just best if I just let it go. I am doing what I can to just ignore it but I am having to struggle and stress because YOU do drugs and couldn't keep it together when you decided SELFISHLY to end our relationship. Must be burning your mom now to see how I kept your butt in shape for all that time! HAHAHA Oh yeah that feels good :)

So in this plan is getting to REALLY know the people I have in my life. Getting to know them in a non techy way. Like I said before if/when I I start, or already started, dating I was going to keep that relationship to myself for as long as I can. Try and avoid phones and social media and doing anything that has anything to do with it.

The way I feel NOW will only work if it continues when I am with him. Right now I am enjoying it......